Sometimes I think I talk too much. That I laugh way too loud at a joke. I worry that I'm one someone who likes to talk and not really listen people, that I enjoy the sound of my own voice. I can get loud in certain settings. Well, mainly when I'm around people I'm truly comfortable with. I enjoy swapping stories with people, but maybe I tend to overshare. Those are things that start to come to mind AFTER I leave a social setting. While I'm there I get so caught up in the moment I never stop to overanalyze something I said or something someone else said. These are insecurities that come to the surface after the storm has left a village ravaged (or in my case, after I've talked my head off and quite possibly hogged a conversation). But they're not enough to make me stop being me. I try to be more concious of what I say and do around others, but for the most part I shrug it off. I figure it's too late, what was said was said, what I did is done, and there's nothing more I can do about it. If I inadvertently hurt someone's feelings I'm more than happy to apologize.
When it comes to my writing all I seem to carry around with me are my insecurities. While I'm lost in the throes of a great scene these insecurities don't seem to plague me. It's after, much like with my social awkwardness fears, that they come to life. But unlike those, I can't seem to escape my writing insecurities. They keep me up at night. They make me doubt myself. They make me feel like less than I am.
Okay, I know I'm not a BAD writer, but does that mean I'm any good? There's no real way to overcome these insecurites. Even when someone compliments me on my writing, I tend to ignore it, instead focusing on all the things I'm NOT doing right. It's incredibly frustrating, but I think this is something that plagues all of us writers, for better or for worse. It's what drives us to be better. The truth is that you'll never get down things down on paper the way you view them in your head. It'll always be a little off. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Often what I put on paper molds itself into something I didn't even think possible. When I started Fire and Ice, I never imagined that I could create a world with so much magic to it. With Cursed I'm finding that sometimes the bad guy isn't really the bad guy. What we started with in our heads turns into something more meaningful. I think so, anyway. It's just a simple outline of a map that shapes into something more concrete as we go along.
So, with that said, I'm still insecure with my writing. I don't think I'll ever not be. But I love that I've come to accept my writing for what it is. It may be flawed, but those flaws add up to something I didn't even imagine could take place. And of course there's this thing called editing. If nothing else, you know if a scene isn't exactly where you want it to be you can go back and erase it. Very unlike the mistakes you make in life.