Sometimes I think I talk too much. That I laugh way too loud at a joke. I worry that I'm one someone who likes to talk and not really listen people, that I enjoy the sound of my own voice. I can get loud in certain settings. Well, mainly when I'm around people I'm truly comfortable with. I enjoy swapping stories with people, but maybe I tend to overshare. Those are things that start to come to mind AFTER I leave a social setting. While I'm there I get so caught up in the moment I never stop to overanalyze something I said or something someone else said. These are insecurities that come to the surface after the storm has left a village ravaged (or in my case, after I've talked my head off and quite possibly hogged a conversation). But they're not enough to make me stop being me. I try to be more concious of what I say and do around others, but for the most part I shrug it off. I figure it's too late, what was said was said, what I did is done, and there's nothing more I can do about it. If I inadvertently hurt someone's feelings I'm more than happy to apologize.
When it comes to my writing all I seem to carry around with me are my insecurities. While I'm lost in the throes of a great scene these insecurities don't seem to plague me. It's after, much like with my social awkwardness fears, that they come to life. But unlike those, I can't seem to escape my writing insecurities. They keep me up at night. They make me doubt myself. They make me feel like less than I am.
Okay, I know I'm not a BAD writer, but does that mean I'm any good? There's no real way to overcome these insecurites. Even when someone compliments me on my writing, I tend to ignore it, instead focusing on all the things I'm NOT doing right. It's incredibly frustrating, but I think this is something that plagues all of us writers, for better or for worse. It's what drives us to be better. The truth is that you'll never get down things down on paper the way you view them in your head. It'll always be a little off. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Often what I put on paper molds itself into something I didn't even think possible. When I started Fire and Ice, I never imagined that I could create a world with so much magic to it. With Cursed I'm finding that sometimes the bad guy isn't really the bad guy. What we started with in our heads turns into something more meaningful. I think so, anyway. It's just a simple outline of a map that shapes into something more concrete as we go along.
So, with that said, I'm still insecure with my writing. I don't think I'll ever not be. But I love that I've come to accept my writing for what it is. It may be flawed, but those flaws add up to something I didn't even imagine could take place. And of course there's this thing called editing. If nothing else, you know if a scene isn't exactly where you want it to be you can go back and erase it. Very unlike the mistakes you make in life.
I think we will definitely always be insecure, but that's what drives us to work harder! (and there's always editing!)
ReplyDeleteHa ha, you could have signed my name at the bottom of that post instead of yours ;)
ReplyDeleteinsecurities makes your writing perfect!
ReplyDeleteWe're all our own worst critics, I think. But yay for editing! And chocolate. Chocolate makes everything better. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, we are our worst critiques and have feel insecure at all stages.
ReplyDeleteI do the same things. As Meredith said, we're all our own worst critics. Let your CPs and betas tell you how evil the bad guy is to them. You might have been spending so much time with him, you're liking him. It happens to me!
ReplyDeleteI feel the same as you, but I read some advice that Jack Kerouac had written, and it really resonated with me:
ReplyDeleteNo fear or shame in the dignity of your experience, language and knowledge.
To be honest I think it's only natural to be insecure as a writer (unless of course you're mind-numbingly arrogant!). Writers put their work out there to be specifically judged and critiqued and responded to. OF COURSE we get crippled by nerves and self-doubt!
ReplyDeleteI'm of the opinion that it makes you a better writer, ykwim? It keeps us cautious - on our toes.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I'll re read what I wrote the day before and think it's awful. Other times I'll read the same passage and think it's awesome. Weird how our minds work.
ReplyDeleteKristin: very true!
ReplyDelete1000th monkey: I'm glad I'm not alone.
Jeremy: I don't know about perfect, but it definitely makes mine better.
Meredith: LOADS of chocolate.
Christine: critique partners and betas are indispensable.
Amanda: thank you for sharing that quote.
Sangu: we're an insecure bunch. But at least we encourage and help each other out (the nice ones, anyway).
East Coaster: agreed. Whatever works.
Aubrie: I go through the same thing! One day it's good, and the next it's all garbage.
Ladonna: yeah, I don't think we ever grow out of the insecurities, even if we do 'make it' some day.
ReplyDeleteI think you and I are social soul sisters. I have exactly those same insecurities and they hit me at exactly the same time. My writing insecurity ebbs and flows but I think it's a great idea to embrace our flaws because as you said they can actually work to our benefit.
ReplyDeleteAh, yes. The ability to change things after you've done them. I love that writing's that way!
ReplyDeleteI think everyone's insecure with writing. You're right about it driving us to be better. I think if we weren't insecure at all, we wouldn't work to get better, and how sad would that be?